It’s been a couple of less-than-creative days, I’m afraid.
I’ve had two days in a row working down the coal mine (aka at my old day job) and it’s really wiped me out. Long story, but there are health reasons – as well as my artistic dream – that I don’t usually work there more than alternate days. I just can’t hack it.
Usually, I’m there just Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I had planned to at least take a notebook and do some doodling, or do it when I got home, but y’know, sometimes you just have to face facts: right now, on work days I’m just too drained by the time I get home to be creative. I can beat myself up about it as much as I like (you know, the “If you really wanted this, you’d work all the time to achieve it no matter how tired you are” Voice), but it won’t change it.
So maybe it’s time to acknowledge that downtime is allowed too. I do have a bit of a problem with that. The Voice is pretty loud.
Because I’m only at the coal mine two days, but also trying to be a Real Artist, I feel very much that the rest of my time should be devoted to that. All of the rest of time. Days, evenings, weekends as well. But only, of course, after everything else is done first – like chores and errands and family duties. Because art is well, you know, frivolous and fun and WE CAN’T BE HAVING FUN UNTIL OUR HOMEWORK IS DONE.
Which means my internal conversations go something like this:
Fi: “OMG, I’m so tired after that day at the coal mine. I just want to lie down and chill.”
Voice: “You can’t. You have a blog post to write. And you haven’t done anything on Pearls of Wisdom today either.”
Fi: “I can’t draw now. I’ve got a headache. Too damn tired.”
Voice: “Then you better do some internet stuff instead. Work on your online shop. It’s only 8pm.”
Fi: “But my head!”
Voice: “Never mind your head. Stop whingeing.”
Fi: “Fine. I’ll do some website stuff.”
Voice: “Did you empty the dishwasher yet? You better empty the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen first.”
Fi: “Oh fine. I’ll do the kitchen.”
Voice: “Then you can go do the website stuff. If you’re not drawing, at least you should be working.”
Fi: ”But… headache? Tired?”
Voice: “Stop whingeing. If you really wanted this, you’d be working to achieve it no matter how tired you are.”
~
Who is this woman? And why does she keep bullying me? Does she really think this is helpful?
Then again, maybe she’s right. Maybe I should be listening and not whingeing. What do you think?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh no, my evil twin that I thought I had safely hidden away in the tower has escaped and taken residence in your head! Sending in the rescue crew to haul her away and leave you in peace….. so you can allow the work to float up from your vision without nagging in your ear.
Oh, those voices are nasty aren’t they?? I say, give yourself permission to rest when you’re exhausted. Your artist-self requires rest and all the beating yourself up makes you even more tired which leads to more beating yourself up..etc, etc…No fun! Yes, downtime is totally required. Our creative selves function better when we take good care of ourselves (as I have to remind myself all the time!)
I get the sense that the business of being an Artist with a capital “A” can be stressful too (totally get that.) So perhaps some you could play with doing some creative downtime…art that’s not serious, that’s not for sale, that’s just for you, just for fun. I know all the businessy stuff flows better when I allow for that kind of play. Perhaps there can be some totally fun doodling (low-pressure, low-expecation, silly-fun-stuff) going on as part of your downtime. I like to do this sort of thing in pajamas, in bed, just doodling for the play and release of it.
And feel free to ignore the suggestion and do what feels best for you. You’re doing fabulous! xox
This Voice of Should is so strong–I can relate! I appreciate Leah’s reminder about needing rest. I have this feeling that I SHOULD be doing something else on those rare resting occasions, and I am trying to encourage that voice to rest sometimes too.
Oh em gee, you are me and I claim my five pounds! I’ve recently been trying to learn about a secret mystery they call “leisure”, and all I can say is, it’s hard work. Good luck with getting the voice to shut up – and please pass on any tips you find!